saddeserthermit: (obi-wan: looking down)
[personal profile] saddeserthermit
Truth be told, Obi-Wan had seriously considered not returning to Fandom island; the risk to Luke was too great if Vader or another Imperial officer came back and chose to follow him to Tatooine this time. But there were certain obligations he felt too guilty about bound to that he could not simply shirk. Speaking to Kanan was one of these. (Picking up the eopies was another.)

He was certain Anakin could handle Ethics fine without him.

He arrived back on the island early into the evening. He found Rooh nibbling at the grass just outside his hut, and for a moment, he had to smile. Then he sighed, and rubbed his brow, and went to speak to the animals. At least they were comforting.

[[ expecting one, but open for SP! ]]

Date: 2016-10-21 02:48 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Headache)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
Another deep breath. Another slow exhale. Kanan bowed his head, content to stand for just a moment more. Topics like this left him restless, made him itch to drop everything and put some distance between himself and everything associated with them. Sitting felt confining, felt stifling.

"You already know some of it," he said, quietly, mostly toward the cup. "How Master Billaba's last words were spent telling me to run. How I didn't sleep for weeks, and barely ate. I suppose it goes without saying... any Jedi who didn't die immediately after the Troopers turned would likely have a similar story, to some degree."

But that was fresh in his head again too, not thanks to Vader, or even to Skywalker, but thanks to the island itself. It wasn't really helping with that urge to run, either. Another weekend like that coupled with an unexpected visit from Vader...

Date: 2016-10-21 03:14 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Sad Dad Dad Sad)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
"I still remember exactly what it felt like," Kanan murmured, "freezing as my Master's troops turned on us, because of how much it hurt, because of how wrong everything was. And I saw. Visions of the same thing happening all across the Galaxy, like I was there. Master Secura, Master Mundi, Master Koon..."

He shook his head as though he was clearing it of cobwebs, and then finally took a sip of tea.

"When the island turned so many of us into teenagers again, I came out of it feeling it all like new. The first and only lie Master Billaba ever told me. The fear. Being hunted down by her own troops. One thing bleeding into the other, the way nothing felt right. How the silence was the only thing worse than the slaughter that came before it."

Date: 2016-10-21 03:46 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Confused)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
"The Temple," Kanan echoed, and finally looked up from his cup. "I tried to. Stole a ship. If you hadn't warned us away, I wouldn't be here right now, myself."

He swallowed and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. What you must have found there..."

He'd had plenty of time to imagine it. He didn't think for a moment that imagination even began to capture the reality of it.

Date: 2016-10-21 04:13 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Just Perfect)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
"Take the small favors where you can, I suppose."

Kanan caught the tone, at least. It was a sharp contrast to the bile and the venom that Skywalker had been spitting at him last week. It made him feel... not better, not really. It wasn't the sort of tone that one ought to pull comfort from, of course. But more real, maybe. As though he'd been wading through a bad dream for weeks, and here was somebody else who knew that dream too, who could confirm that he hadn't just made up the darkest moments of it.

It also reminded him of the people he'd left behind when Master Billaba had taken him to war.

He hesitated for a long moment before, softly, he said, "There were rumors, about Skywalker. He made a point to mention one of them to me."

Date: 2016-10-21 04:23 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Pensive)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
"The rumor that he had been killed, protecting younglings."

That came out sounding... rough. Like the words were burrs that wanted to stick in his mouth as he spoke them, and he had to pry them free before they could be heard. Those younglings had been his friends, had been the closest people to family that he had known before Master Billaba had taken him as her Padawan. He'd gone to lessons with them, had been teased by them and gossiped with them and had shared his worries and his dreams with them.

And Skywalker wasn't dead.

"That was all he would say."

And Kanan could think of no reason to mention it except to try to rub their deaths in his face, because a rumor that a living man had died protecting people who were now very much dead could only go so far to cover the man in glory.

Date: 2016-10-21 04:47 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Tiredest)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
During any other conversation, a reply that cryptic might have annoyed Kanan, at the very least. But there was something in Obi-Wan's voice, so far away that there was barely anything at all, and it was that much more loaded as a result, and it was very nearly Caleb who was looking down into his own cup, feeling sad and confused and, so help him, small.

"I don't understand, Master."

That was all he had. Even Caleb Dume didn't have the heart to dredge up a thousand follow-up questions to an answer like that.

Date: 2016-10-21 04:58 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Confused)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
Now it was Kanan's turn to bring his up to his mouth, trying to pull the mess of thoughts back to something soothing. Something simple. Nothing about this conversation was, after all. Nothing about this island was.

"I'm sorry," he said, after that sip. Whatever he thought about Skywalker was irrelevant. Obi-Wan had been his Master, after all. "I should have thought..."

He sighed.

"Should we talk about something else?"

Date: 2016-10-21 05:33 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Uncertain)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
Caleb. He barely flinched at that name, the word sounding so natural, so him coming from Obi-Wan's mouth that, while he certainly caught it, he couldn't find it in him to correct him about it.

So long as they were talking one-on-one, Caleb could live with that.

"You've already been a help," he noted, frowning a little. "You've given me some perspective. More than just reassuring me that wanting distance from Vader isn't me overreacting, I mean. And my feelings shouldn't supersede yours, either. If you need to step away from a topic that cuts too close, why is that any less important?"

He wanted to think that they were both capable of having a conversation that didn't leave either of them sitting in a fog of guilt, thoughts in a different galaxy entirely, none of them good.

Date: 2016-10-21 05:58 am (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Lip Chew)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
See Caleb. See Caleb give Obi-Wan a look that said that he wasn't entirely buying it, no.

"Well, I'm no Master," he said, "but I'm still pretty sure there's a difference between letting your emotions rule you, and being aware of them and making decisions that acknowledge that you're also a person in there somewhere, and that people have needs."

Granted, Kanan tended to count things like alcohol and sex among his own needs these days, but he had a good case for arguing that it was all a part his cover. So long as nobody paid close attention, anyway.

In his defense, he had been fifteen when Order 66 happened, and sixteen when he'd been left to his own devices entirely.

Date: 2016-10-21 06:25 pm (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Uncertain)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
"It would be something familiar," Kanan pointed out, resisting the urge to sigh. Oh, Master Kenobi. Your expectations for yourself were ridiculous. "I can't imagine it would be much different between your timeline and mine. How long has it been, for you?"

Not so long, he figured. Kanan had done more aging than... basically anybody, from the look of it. And here he was, talking about traumas that he'd had more time to heal from than anyone else.

Except possibly Skywalker. He had no karking clue what to make of Skywalker, though.

Date: 2016-10-21 06:42 pm (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Beard Stroke)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
Which, in the end, more or less accomplished what Kanan had been offering in the first place, so he'd take it.

"Eight," he said, fairly lightly himself. Years were easy. It was the mess that went alongside them that was hard. "It's been eight years of... drifting, mostly."

Drifting. Shutting out the Force. Pretending to be okay or drinking until people realized that he wasn't in about equal measures.

"So I can't imagine your timeline has many surprises that mine hasn't already thrown at me."

Date: 2016-10-21 07:04 pm (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Sooooo)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
That... could be interesting. Not even bad. Just, 'huh.' Skywalker had mentioned that Mara was apparently going to marry his son someday, after all, so he already knew that there was a kid out there, likely in their own galaxy, somewhere.

He'd been trying hard to just not think about the implications from there.

"Why not try me?"

See? Way easier than talking about trauma.

Date: 2016-10-22 12:28 pm (UTC)
uncertain_dume: (Crossed Arms)
From: [personal profile] uncertain_dume
Kanan just tilted his head at that. And then he nodded. Okay. See? That wasn't so bad. It was something he could actually almost respect, even.

Almost. He still had trouble respecting petulant man-children who held positions of power over him.

"So what he said was true... but misleading," he deduced, frowning a bit. Not surprised, mostly since Anakin had spilled those beans already, but actually a bit annoyed. "Great."

'True but misleading' was basically going to be the best you were going to get from this lot on certain topics, Kanan. Better get used to it.

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