The Hermit Shack in the Woods, Thursday Evening

[saddeserthermit]

Truth be told, Obi-Wan had seriously considered not returning to Fandom island; the risk to Luke was too great if Vader or another Imperial officer came back and chose to follow him to Tatooine this time. But there were certain obligations he felt too guilty about bound to that he could not simply shirk. Speaking to Kanan was one of these. (Picking up the eopies was another.)

He was certain Anakin could handle Ethics fine without him.

He arrived back on the island early into the evening. He found Rooh nibbling at the grass just outside his hut, and for a moment, he had to smile. Then he sighed, and rubbed his brow, and went to speak to the animals. At least they were comforting.

[[ expecting one, but open for SP! ]]

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[uncertain_dume]

"Take the small favors where you can, I suppose."

Kanan caught the tone, at least. It was a sharp contrast to the bile and the venom that Skywalker had been spitting at him last week. It made him feel... not better, not really. It wasn't the sort of tone that one ought to pull comfort from, of course. But more real, maybe. As though he'd been wading through a bad dream for weeks, and here was somebody else who knew that dream too, who could confirm that he hadn't just made up the darkest moments of it.

It also reminded him of the people he'd left behind when Master Billaba had taken him to war.

He hesitated for a long moment before, softly, he said, "There were rumors, about Skywalker. He made a point to mention one of them to me."

[saddeserthermit]

Obi-Wan didn't have much bile left in him, if he'd ever had any at all. And Kanan - Caleb - still felt so much like a lost Padawan some days...

"Did he, now?" he said. "He truly must have been in a snit."

He wasn't terribly impressed by Anakin's conduct here, all around. "What was it?"

[uncertain_dume]

"The rumor that he had been killed, protecting younglings."

That came out sounding... rough. Like the words were burrs that wanted to stick in his mouth as he spoke them, and he had to pry them free before they could be heard. Those younglings had been his friends, had been the closest people to family that he had known before Master Billaba had taken him as her Padawan. He'd gone to lessons with them, had been teased by them and gossiped with them and had shared his worries and his dreams with them.

And Skywalker wasn't dead.

"That was all he would say."

And Kanan could think of no reason to mention it except to try to rub their deaths in his face, because a rumor that a living man had died protecting people who were now very much dead could only go so far to cover the man in glory.

[saddeserthermit]

"Anakin Skywalker did die," Obi-Wan said, and wherever 'distant' had been previously, it was practically next door compared to how he sounded now. "To protect many."

He brought up his cup. Sipped. Sipped again.

He didn't really taste it.

[uncertain_dume]

During any other conversation, a reply that cryptic might have annoyed Kanan, at the very least. But there was something in Obi-Wan's voice, so far away that there was barely anything at all, and it was that much more loaded as a result, and it was very nearly Caleb who was looking down into his own cup, feeling sad and confused and, so help him, small.

"I don't understand, Master."

That was all he had. Even Caleb Dume didn't have the heart to dredge up a thousand follow-up questions to an answer like that.

[saddeserthermit]

"I don't know why the island's version of Anakin still lives," Obi-Wan said. "He insists there may be a chance mine still survives, as well. But I doubt it."

He lowered his cup. "I saw him on death's door."

But he hadn't had the heart to kill him. His final failing.

[uncertain_dume]

Now it was Kanan's turn to bring his up to his mouth, trying to pull the mess of thoughts back to something soothing. Something simple. Nothing about this conversation was, after all. Nothing about this island was.

"I'm sorry," he said, after that sip. Whatever he thought about Skywalker was irrelevant. Obi-Wan had been his Master, after all. "I should have thought..."

He sighed.

"Should we talk about something else?"

[saddeserthermit]

"No," Obi-Wan said. He'd hardly meant to turn this into something about his own pain, and it was best if he dragged himself away from that precipe. He took a deep breath. "Anakin was-- is often petty, Caleb," he said, the name slipping out without him realizing it. "He has lashed out at you because he is deeply disturbed by what happened."

He set his cup of tea aside.

"And he has trouble realizing that his own feelings don't supercede those of others. I do not wish to make the same mistake."

[uncertain_dume]

Caleb. He barely flinched at that name, the word sounding so natural, so him coming from Obi-Wan's mouth that, while he certainly caught it, he couldn't find it in him to correct him about it.

So long as they were talking one-on-one, Caleb could live with that.

"You've already been a help," he noted, frowning a little. "You've given me some perspective. More than just reassuring me that wanting distance from Vader isn't me overreacting, I mean. And my feelings shouldn't supersede yours, either. If you need to step away from a topic that cuts too close, why is that any less important?"

He wanted to think that they were both capable of having a conversation that didn't leave either of them sitting in a fog of guilt, thoughts in a different galaxy entirely, none of them good.

[saddeserthermit]

Because Obi-Wan was a Master, and Caleb was a Padawan who needed help.

... or more truthfully, because Obi-Wan was terrible at accepting that sometimes he deserved help.

"Because I am a Jedi Master," he said, "And giving such emotions free reign to dictate what I do and say is a path to the Dark Side."

Cop-out answer. For sure.

[uncertain_dume]

See Caleb. See Caleb give Obi-Wan a look that said that he wasn't entirely buying it, no.

"Well, I'm no Master," he said, "but I'm still pretty sure there's a difference between letting your emotions rule you, and being aware of them and making decisions that acknowledge that you're also a person in there somewhere, and that people have needs."

Granted, Kanan tended to count things like alcohol and sex among his own needs these days, but he had a good case for arguing that it was all a part his cover. So long as nobody paid close attention, anyway.

In his defense, he had been fifteen when Order 66 happened, and sixteen when he'd been left to his own devices entirely.

[saddeserthermit]

"My needs," Obi-Wan said, "Are fine."

... and perhaps now Kanan would get some idea of why Anakin often thought of Obi-Wan as infuriating.

He reached to pick up his tea again. "I would invite you to my version of our world whenever you need an escape," he said, "But I doubt it will be much better."

[uncertain_dume]

"It would be something familiar," Kanan pointed out, resisting the urge to sigh. Oh, Master Kenobi. Your expectations for yourself were ridiculous. "I can't imagine it would be much different between your timeline and mine. How long has it been, for you?"

Not so long, he figured. Kanan had done more aging than... basically anybody, from the look of it. And here he was, talking about traumas that he'd had more time to heal from than anyone else.

Except possibly Skywalker. He had no karking clue what to make of Skywalker, though.

[saddeserthermit]

Anakin was... Anakin. It was entirely possible there were only two people left in all the galaxy who did know what to make of him.

"A few years now," Obi-Wan said lightly. "Three or so. It has been more for you, hasn't it?"

He was exceedingly grateful they were off the subject of him now.

[uncertain_dume]

Which, in the end, more or less accomplished what Kanan had been offering in the first place, so he'd take it.

"Eight," he said, fairly lightly himself. Years were easy. It was the mess that went alongside them that was hard. "It's been eight years of... drifting, mostly."

Drifting. Shutting out the Force. Pretending to be okay or drinking until people realized that he wasn't in about equal measures.

"So I can't imagine your timeline has many surprises that mine hasn't already thrown at me."

[saddeserthermit]

"You," Obi-Wan said, as he took a quiet sip, "Would be surprised."

He was debating whether or not to tell Kanan about Luke.

[uncertain_dume]

That... could be interesting. Not even bad. Just, 'huh.' Skywalker had mentioned that Mara was apparently going to marry his son someday, after all, so he already knew that there was a kid out there, likely in their own galaxy, somewhere.

He'd been trying hard to just not think about the implications from there.

"Why not try me?"

See? Way easier than talking about trauma.

[saddeserthermit]

There was a long pause. "Anakin Skywalker did die to protect younglings," he said, which was sort of true from a certain point of view. "But they were his own."

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan just tilted his head at that. And then he nodded. Okay. See? That wasn't so bad. It was something he could actually almost respect, even.

Almost. He still had trouble respecting petulant man-children who held positions of power over him.

"So what he said was true... but misleading," he deduced, frowning a bit. Not surprised, mostly since Anakin had spilled those beans already, but actually a bit annoyed. "Great."

'True but misleading' was basically going to be the best you were going to get from this lot on certain topics, Kanan. Better get used to it.

[saddeserthermit]

Obviously. But Obi-Wan felt he had good reasons to keep certain things under wraps, such as 'I'm actually guarding Anakin's children RIGHT NOW, on Tatooine' and 'I dismembered Anakin and left him to burn because he'd taken a trip down Crazy Lane'.

"Yes," Obi-Wan said. He heaved a sigh. "He's rather inclined that way."

Pitch-black pot, meet you-raised-kettle.

[uncertain_dume]

"At least when I say misleading things, it isn't to get the upper hand in an argument," Kanan groused, shaking his head. "Bringing the younglings into it like that was..."

Petty? Cruel? The word here was probably cruel.

"Ugh."

That was easier than getting back on the emotions train.

[saddeserthermit]

"Childish, immature and out of line? Yes."

Obi-Wan took a sip of his tea. It was beginning to cool.

[uncertain_dume]

"All of those things," Kanan agreed, and then sighed and returned his attention to his own tea. "We all looked up to... well... both of you. I didn't need him dredging them up, or reminding me just how much of the war hinged on his actions, as if that should somehow erase how much danger he put us all in. The two points aren't even related."

He took another mouthful of tea. He'd been mostly just staring into it since this discussion had started.

"Never get to know your heroes, I guess."

[saddeserthermit]

Obi-Wan sighed. His hand crept up to his brow, and he pinched it.

"Anakin was an amazing Jedi," he said, "with deep, glaring flaws." He dropped his hand. "But now the question is, what do we do about Mara Jade?"

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan noted that 'was,' and still didn't take much stock in it. Enough of the Jedi around the island had been Jedi, once, before all hell had broken loose. Or had never quite been, as the case was with himself. And if Skywalker had family now...

He shook his head in reply to Obi-Wan's question.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I figured something was up with her since my very first class, right about the time I had to give her a verbal slap on the wrist for the way she was talking about non-humans. I'm... I mean, I should be more surprised that it's this serious, but apparently the island is getting to my head or something."

He sighed and sipped at his tea again.

"She's afraid of Vader. Of course she is. It would be insane not to be. My concern is that even if she wasn't reporting every instance of Jedi activity to the Emperor before, the possibility that Vader might return could prompt her to start. And at the same time, I can't help but wonder what was keeping her from selling us out in the first place."

Because he was under no illusions about how long they would survive if Palpatine had at all been aware of their presence before.