saddeserthermit | The Hermit Shack in the Woods, Thursday Evening

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The Hermit Shack in the Woods, Thursday Evening

Truth be told, Obi-Wan had seriously considered not returning to Fandom island; the risk to Luke was too great if Vader or another Imperial officer came back and chose to follow him to Tatooine this time. But there were certain obligations he felt ~~too guilty about~~ bound to that he could not simply shirk. Speaking to Kanan was one of these. (Picking up the eopies was another.)

He was certain Anakin could handle Ethics fine without him.

He arrived back on the island early into the evening. He found Rooh nibbling at the grass just outside his hut, and for a moment, he had to smile. Then he sighed, and rubbed his brow, and went to speak to the animals. At least they were comforting.

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"Yes. He's always been fairly good at rankling people," Obi-Wan sighed. The cooker went pop, and he picked it up, pouring water into each cup. "Yes, he knew. And when confronted by both of us, he chose to behave like a petulant teenager with his hand caught in the cookie jar."

He turned around, holding out one cup to Kanan.

Kanan accepted the cup with a nod and a murmured thanks, staring quietly into it for a moment, not entirely trusting himself to speak right away. He'd just watch the tea steep. Let it ground him for a few sec--

"I don't think he fully understands just how barbed some of the things he said were," he said, all at once. "Just what it meant when he told me that he wasn't my Master, just before telling me to go ahead and run away. When he talked about... other things. Rumors about him that are clearly untrue, but directly after bringing them up, he wouldn't say how."

His grip on the cup tightened a little.

"I should be able to let it go, but he clawed at old wounds that Vader's appearance re-opened, and I can't just walk away from it."

Oh, Anakin.

Obi-Wan's thoughts trailed towards the past, burning lava and eyes full of loathing; he pulled back from the memory as fast as he could, but the damage was done.

He sat down on a small chair, cradling his cup. He was not entirely certain Anakin hadn't been aware what he was doing, but saying so felt like it would not be helpful. "Then tell me about your old wounds," he said quietly, and took a sip. "We will see which ones can perhaps be closed."

Another deep breath. Another slow exhale. Kanan bowed his head, content to stand for just a moment more. Topics like this left him restless, made him itch to drop everything and put some distance between himself and everything associated with them. Sitting felt confining, felt stifling.

"You already know some of it," he said, quietly, mostly toward the cup. "How Master Billaba's last words were spent telling me to run. How I didn't sleep for weeks, and barely ate. I suppose it goes without saying... any Jedi who didn't die immediately after the Troopers turned would likely have a similar story, to some degree."

But that was fresh in his head again too, not thanks to Vader, or even to Skywalker, but thanks to the island itself. It wasn't really helping with that urge to run, either. Another weekend like that coupled with an unexpected visit from Vader...

"We do," Obi-Wan said.

He lifted his cup and took a long sip as he privately weighed what to divulge. In the end... he settled on nothing, but the silence had been there and likely said enough already. "These are vivid memories. It's easy to poison the mind with them - so much raw emotion."

"I still remember exactly what it felt like," Kanan murmured, "freezing as my Master's troops turned on us, because of how much it hurt, because of how wrong everything was. And I saw. Visions of the same thing happening all across the Galaxy, like I was there. Master Secura, Master Mundi, Master Koon..."

He shook his head as though he was clearing it of cobwebs, and then finally took a sip of tea.

"When the island turned so many of us into teenagers again, I came out of it feeling it all like new. The first and only lie Master Billaba ever told me. The fear. Being hunted down by her own troops. One thing bleeding into the other, the way nothing felt right. How the silence was the only thing worse than the slaughter that came before it."

"I don't know about that," Obi-Wan said quietly. "I went to the Temple."

Yeah.

The worst part had been that recording of Anakin. He'd taken the silence over that.

"The Temple," Kanan echoed, and finally looked up from his cup. "I tried to. Stole a ship. If you hadn't warned us away, I wouldn't be here right now, myself."

He swallowed and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. What you must have found there..."

He'd had plenty of time to imagine it. He didn't think for a moment that imagination even began to capture the reality of it.

"I was too late to change anything. But I saw recordings." Did Obi-Wan sound distant? He wasn't aware of it. "So much death... it is a miracle it didn't tear a hole in the Force."

Perhaps, he thought bitterly, it was at least helpful the Emperor had spaced out the killings across the galaxy.

"Take the small favors where you can, I suppose."

Kanan caught the tone, at least. It was a sharp contrast to the bile and the venom that Skywalker had been spitting at him last week. It made him feel... not better, not really. It wasn't the sort of tone that one ought to pull comfort from, of course. But more real, maybe. As though he'd been wading through a bad dream for weeks, and here was somebody else who knew that dream too, who could confirm that he hadn't just made up the darkest moments of it.

It also reminded him of the people he'd left behind when Master Billaba had taken him to war.

He hesitated for a long moment before, softly, he said, "There were rumors, about Skywalker. He made a point to mention one of them to me."

Obi-Wan didn't have much bile left in him, if he'd ever had any at all. And Kanan - Caleb - still felt so much like a lost Padawan some days...

"Did he, now?" he said. "He truly must have been in a snit."

He wasn't terribly impressed by Anakin's conduct here, all around. "What was it?"

"The rumor that he had been killed, protecting younglings."

That came out sounding... rough. Like the words were burrs that wanted to stick in his mouth as he spoke them, and he had to pry them free before they could be heard. Those younglings had been his friends, had been the closest people to family that he had known before Master Billaba had taken him as her Padawan. He'd gone to lessons with them, had been teased by them and gossiped with them and had shared his worries and his dreams with them.

And Skywalker wasn't dead.

"That was all he would say."

And Kanan could think of no reason to mention it except to try to rub their deaths in his face, because a rumor that a living man had died protecting people who were now very much dead could only go so far to cover the man in glory.

"Anakin Skywalker did die," Obi-Wan said, and wherever 'distant' had been previously, it was practically next door compared to how he sounded now. "To protect many."

He brought up his cup. Sipped. Sipped again.

He didn't really taste it.

During any other conversation, a reply that cryptic might have annoyed Kanan, at the very least. But there was something in Obi-Wan's voice, so far away that there was barely anything at all, and it was that much more loaded as a result, and it was very nearly Caleb who was looking down into his own cup, feeling sad and confused and, so help him, small.

"I don't understand, Master."

That was all he had. Even Caleb Dume didn't have the heart to dredge up a thousand follow-up questions to an answer like that.

"I don't know why the island's version of Anakin still lives," Obi-Wan said. "He insists there may be a chance mine still survives, as well. But I doubt it."

He lowered his cup. "I saw him on death's door."

But he hadn't had the heart to kill him. His final failing.

Now it was Kanan's turn to bring his up to his mouth, trying to pull the mess of thoughts back to something soothing. Something simple. Nothing about this conversation was, after all. Nothing about this island was.

"I'm sorry," he said, after that sip. Whatever he thought about Skywalker was irrelevant. Obi-Wan had been his Master, after all. "I should have thought..."

He sighed.

"Should we talk about something else?"

"No," Obi-Wan said. He'd hardly meant to turn this into something about his own pain, and it was best if he dragged himself away from that precipe. He took a deep breath. "Anakin was-- is often petty, Caleb," he said, the name slipping out without him realizing it. "He has lashed out at you because he is deeply disturbed by what happened."

He set his cup of tea aside.

"And he has trouble realizing that his own feelings don't supercede those of others. I do not wish to make the same mistake."

Caleb. He barely flinched at that name, the word sounding so natural, so him coming from Obi-Wan's mouth that, while he certainly caught it, he couldn't find it in him to correct him about it.

So long as they were talking one-on-one, Caleb could live with that.

"You've already been a help," he noted, frowning a little. "You've given me some perspective. More than just reassuring me that wanting distance from Vader isn't me overreacting, I mean. And my feelings shouldn't supersede yours, either. If you need to step away from a topic that cuts too close, why is that any less important?"

He wanted to think that they were both capable of having a conversation that didn't leave either of them sitting in a fog of guilt, thoughts in a different galaxy entirely, none of them good.

Because Obi-Wan was a Master, and Caleb was a Padawan who needed help.

... or more truthfully, because Obi-Wan was terrible at accepting that sometimes he deserved help.

"Because I am a Jedi Master," he said, "And giving such emotions free reign to dictate what I do and say is a path to the Dark Side."

Cop-out answer. For sure.

See Caleb. See Caleb give Obi-Wan a look that said that he wasn't entirely buying it, no.

"Well, I'm no Master," he said, "but I'm still pretty sure there's a difference between letting your emotions rule you, and being aware of them and making decisions that acknowledge that you're also a person in there somewhere, and that people have needs."

Granted, Kanan tended to count things like alcohol and sex among his own needs these days, but he had a good case for arguing that it was all a part his cover. So long as nobody paid close attention, anyway.

In his defense, he had been fifteen when Order 66 happened, and sixteen when he'd been left to his own devices entirely.

"My needs," Obi-Wan said, "Are fine."

... and perhaps now Kanan would get some idea of why Anakin often thought of Obi-Wan as infuriating.

He reached to pick up his tea again. "I would invite you to my version of our world whenever you need an escape," he said, "But I doubt it will be much better."

Edited 2016-10-21 17:47 (UTC)

"It would be something familiar," Kanan pointed out, resisting the urge to sigh. Oh, Master Kenobi. Your expectations for yourself were ridiculous. "I can't imagine it would be much different between your timeline and mine. How long has it been, for you?"

Not so long, he figured. Kanan had done more aging than... basically anybody, from the look of it. And here he was, talking about traumas that he'd had more time to heal from than anyone else.

Except possibly Skywalker. He had no karking clue what to make of Skywalker, though.

Anakin was... Anakin. It was entirely possible there were only two people left in all the galaxy who did know what to make of him.

"A few years now," Obi-Wan said lightly. "Three or so. It has been more for you, hasn't it?"

He was exceedingly grateful they were off the subject of him now.

Which, in the end, more or less accomplished what Kanan had been offering in the first place, so he'd take it.

"Eight," he said, fairly lightly himself. Years were easy. It was the mess that went alongside them that was hard. "It's been eight years of... drifting, mostly."

Drifting. Shutting out the Force. Pretending to be okay or drinking until people realized that he wasn't in about equal measures.

"So I can't imagine your timeline has many surprises that mine hasn't already thrown at me."

"You," Obi-Wan said, as he took a quiet sip, "Would be surprised."

He was debating whether or not to tell Kanan about Luke.

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