saddeserthermit | Office Hours, Wednesday

"I suppose we all have some memories we'd rather repress, and regaining them can be a trial," Obi-Wan said.

Not for him. He spent way too much time agonizing over his memories instead. "What was it like, experiencing the Force again with so little... guile?"

Kanan reached up to stroke his beard for a moment, looking thoughtful. Still a little troubled, but... thoughtful.

"I don't remember a time in my life that I didn't know what the Force was," he said, finally. "I couldn't have told you what it was that weekend, just that it was there for me."

He frowned a little.

"Like an old friend. It was a comfort."

The exact opposite of what he'd convinced himself it actually was, over the years.

"That is what it should be," Obi-Wan said quietly.

He wondered just how far Dume had have to have fallen to forget it - even Obi-Wan could not bring it in himself to push the Force aside like this. "A comfort. And a guide. And so many other things."

There was a long pause from Kanan as he considered that answer. And then, finally, he shook his head. Not in disagreement, just in tired bemusement.

"A death sentence," he said, softly. "I was young when the Clones turned on us, and then I was alone. Being rid of it was the only way I could be sure it wouldn't have me, or anybody I got close to, hunted down. The last time I used it, meant to use it, before coming here, I was throwing myself through an airlock into space, trying to get away from them one last time."

He hesitated before adding, "Even then, I trusted it to guide me."

And then he'd shut it out.

"We've spoken about this before," Obi-Wan said, tilting his head. "The Force is not merely one thing. It is a liability, yes. It is a guide, yes. It is a comfort, yes."

He folded his hands into the sleeves of his robe. "To cut it out of your life because of one of these functions is extreme," he said. "One does not cut one's leg off merely because it is an easy target for a vibroblade."

"No, but if your leg has gone necrotic and it's about to take the rest of you with it, even a doctor will suggest taking the extreme course of action," Kanan countered, frowning. "I know it isn't any one thing. I understand that the Force is more complicated than that. At the time, I was just doing what I thought I needed to do in order to live to see another day. And at the time, it worked."

There was a 'but,' there. There always was. He didn't voice it, that fear that cutting it away had saved him then, but was costing him something now. Instead, he went at it a bit sideways.

"I was only a Padawan, Master Kenobi. Whatever the Force is to you... it wasn't that, to me. It could have been. I was even on my way to really understanding the relationship I was meant to have with it, myself. But I was no Knight."

"I would say 'necrosis of the Force' is rather a strong and false equivalence," Obi-Wan said, because far be it from him not to argue about the details. "No matter."

It was perilously hard suddenly to maintain his grasp on Dume's cover, and he once again found himself swallowing back the name. "You were no Knight, but you made the choice to open yourself to it," he said. "It is not a decision one goes back on easily. Or fully. Regardless of one's understanding."

As Dume had already found.

"It posed a danger to you once. It is attempting to offer you comfort, now. Would you turn that away?"

Kanan could have just argued that 'vibroblade to the leg' was something of a false equivalence, as well. The Force wasn't putting itself in danger, after all. And nobody with vibroblades was running around killing people just because they had legs. But Obi-Wan's next question pulled at his mind, tugged him away from the urge to argue and into other thoughts entirely.

"I... don't know," he said, frowning. "For once in my life, I don't think it's the biggest problem I have, here. But if I accept it now, what do I do if I ever get to go home?"

"You find ways to hide it without hiding from it," Obi-Wan said. "You have a unique chance here to practice - to further your education and master your skills without danger of being found out."

He nudged his cup of tea across the desk. "You are not a youngling any longer."

Kanan tried not to look too much like the antsy kid he felt a little bit like all over again. He'd put a lot of hard work into hiding that kid from the world, and from himself. But there was still a fidget, if not a squirm, before he reached for the tea.

"No," he agreed. "I'm not. I had to grow up too quickly for that."

And then, before he could talk himself out of it, before he could let the unease in his guts worry him to the point where he thanked Obi-Wan for his time and fled to the relative safety of his apartment, he pulled in a breath and asked, "Would you teach me?"

The first thought that shot through Obi-Wan was Anakin; and so he hesitated, visible but for a moment, before he answered.

"Of course," he said. "Though you will have to tell me how far your training with Master Billaba had already come by the time that... certain events occurred."

Kanan caught that momentary hesitation. It was difficult to miss for somebody who had been as paranoid as he had been for so long. He frowned faintly, though didn't prod at it. Especially not once Obi-Wan agreed to it.

And then he asked about his training, and Kanan exhaled in a soft huff of something that was almost a laugh. A very wry, tired sort of laugh.

"Not far," he admitted, his voice dropping to a near whisper as he spoke. "She took me as her Padawan, I got my crystal and built my lightsaber, and then we went to war. We had good talks, and she kept my training up enough to get us through, but it was always minimal. There wasn't much time to train properly on Kardoa," because he'd been shot and spent a good chunk of the downtime afterwards in a bacta tank, "or Mygeeto, or Kaller. The first night we set aside for any real amount of actual training after we became involved in the war, that was the night they turned on us."

"I'm sorry."

The full extent of just how unprepared Dume had been, Obi-Wan... had not been aware of. "Have you, by any chance, spoken to Ahsoka?" he asked quietly.

Because he did not particularly want to give away who or what Ahsoka was if Kanan didn't know, but...

"No," Kanan sighed. "I haven't. I don't know if she suspects who I was, considering how much older I am compared to what I should be by her standards. But I recognize her well enough."

He shrugged his shoulders.

"I should. I know. But opening up isn't something I'm very good at, and coming up with a reason to take her aside after class without being obvious about why hasn't happened yet."

Then again, she'd pretty blatantly used the Force while fighting that rancor sim he'd cooked up. He was still trying to figure out if she wasn't actually hiding it, or if she was banking on people thinking that all Togruta could move like that.

"Perhaps you should," Obi-Wan said.

He sighed, nudging the thick upper robe off his shoulders. "She grew up as you did," he said. "The Clone Wars began when she was made Anakin's Padawan. And much like you, she learned to harness the Force in combat above all other applications."

Kanan nodded, pursing his lips a little in thought.

"I suppose I could take her aside after class one of these days. It isn't as though this semester I'm teaching anything so blatant as a course on keeping out of notice."

Kind of the opposite, actually.

"A wise decision," Obi-Wan said wryly.

He may not have been talking about the 'speaking to Ahsoka' part, no.

"I feared this once," he added. "A generation of Jedi raised on war... history has taught us that is rarely a good thing."

"Well, for what it's worth, I have no interest in going back to war." Kanan's brow was furrowed as he spoke, but his eyes were down, turned toward the tea sitting between them. "The last one left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth."

Total mystery as to why. Really.

"I've no doubt," Obi-Wan said mildly. (He had doubt.) "But I fear your generation was raised on the notion that the Force is a thing of action, first and foremost."

He reached for his cup again. "And this lies at the root of your fear, because with such beliefs, to touch the Force again is to act." He looked up. "Would you like some tea? I've forgotten to ask."

Kanan hesitated, biting his lip and then nodding a little. Tea would give him another reason to stay if he lost his nerve again and tried to come up with excuses to leave.

He needed to be here. Needed to be having this talk.

"Please," he replied. "Thank you."

Hey, at least he had manners, somehow.

"And now that you mention it... maybe that is part of it. It's never really been framed as this passive, welcoming thing. Not since I became a Padawan. I mean, hell, we call it the Force. Even our name for it doesn't conjure images of peace." He smiled, wryly. "Master Billaba would meditate together, when we could. That's about as peaceful as it got."

Obi-Wan slid out of his seat, leaving the thick brown robe behind him. He walked across the office, picking up the water cooker and filling it from a small bottle.

"And yet it is these passive abilities that would help you most," he said. "Comfort. Guidance. Awareness. An unfailing ability to sense when the water is approaching a decent boil."

You had your sense of humor. Obi-Wan had his.

"I believe it is wise if we pick up where we left off several weeks ago," he said. "You have had more than enough experience using the Force. Now you should nourish a relationship with it, instead."

Kanan wasn't going to mention that he was more of a caf person anyway. Though he predicted a lot of tea in his future.

"A relationship that isn't tainted by war," he noted, thoughtful. "More meditating, then?"

It seemed like a safe bet. Master Kenobi seemed to do more than a little of it, himself.

Obi-Wan had not been as fastidious about his meditating until fairly recently - having one's dead Master return to advise you to do so had a strange way of motivating you. Nowadays, though-- yes, he did, as he attempted to realign himself with the ways of the Living Force.

"More meditating," he agreed. "If you can find the patience for it."

"I think I can dredge up the patience," Kanan replied, smiling wryly. "It's been a while, but I'm no stranger to sitting alone with my thoughts, either."

For a very long time, that was the only company he'd kept, after all.

"Meditating is a bit like that, but with fewer thoughts and more Force, anyway."

"That is one way of looking at it," Obi-Wan said wryly. "If one that makes it sound as if I spend most of my time contemplating my navel."

Which he... might have done. A bit. He had a lot to feel guilty about.

"You did not stray further than the eopies last time. Perhaps we can see if you can handle sensing the students currently in the school building."

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