Office #8, Friday

[saddeserthermit]

Obi-Wan had been careful not to move too much into his office, if simply because he had had little idea if he'd be staying for another semester. But his decision on that had now been made, and he could now spend the last day of this semester organizing the few items that had made it in here.

He'd be rifling through paperwork for most of the day, occasionally stopping to make notes for future consideration.

Perhaps he should bring some more light to the room. Add something that could boil water. And move in some instruction manuals for future classes. That would be useful.

[[ open! ]]

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[saddeserthermit]

His first instinct was to cut this conversation off here, again, before it got too pointlessly personal. But at this moment all they had was time and regrets, and it felt wrong not to allow Anakin this conversation.

"I told her once that I would have left the Order if she had asked," Obi-Wan said quietly. "I would have."

[sith_happened]

Anakin's blue eyes went huge. "You would have left me?" he stammered, hating how much he suddenly felt like a ten year old kid being told he wasn't good enough.

[saddeserthermit]

"No," Obi-Wan said. He was not fond of the tone of Anakin's voice, so he explained. "I would have, when I was younger. I could tell her as much later, because there wasn't a shadow of a doubt that I would remain with the Jedi."

[sith_happened]

Anakin chewed on his lower lip. "I tried to have both," he finally whispered. "Padme and you. I didn't want to have to make a hard choice."

[saddeserthermit]

That had always been Anakin in a nutshell, though, hadn't it?

Obi-Wan was quiet, if for a moment.

"You always did want to have everything, if you could," he said. "No doubt a consequence of having so little, once."

[sith_happened]

Anakin's lips quirked up humorlessly. "Once?"

[saddeserthermit]

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. "How would you describe it?"

[sith_happened]

Anakin shrugged. "I never really spent much time thinking about myself," he said, like that was news for Obi-Wan, "but material things were never something I had or wanted. Switching from Tatooine to the Temple on that part was easy. But I'd had people..."

[saddeserthermit]

"You made friends at the Temple," Obi-Wan said. "And you weren't alone."

[sith_happened]

Anakin's mouth twisted. "I always kind of felt alone. And cold, at least in the beginning."

[saddeserthermit]

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan said quietly.

He had not been happy that Qui-Gon had dumped a Padawan in his lap, but neither had he wished on Anakin the uncertainty of his own first year as a Padawan.

[sith_happened]

Anakin gave a small shrug. "It wasn't your fault."

[saddeserthermit]

"I was your Master," Obi-Wan said quietly. "You - and your state of mind - were my responsibility."

[sith_happened]

"You were in mourning," Anakin said, "and I wasn't the most open person ever."

[saddeserthermit]

"Perhaps," Obi-Wan said.

He slid his hands into the sleeves of his robes. "Still, I had hoped your first year of being a Padawan would not be quite as difficult as... some."

[sith_happened]

"Some?" Anakin repeated, glancing back up at Obi-Wan.

[saddeserthermit]

"It took a great deal of effort for me to convince Qui-Gon to take me on as his Padawan," Obi-Wan said, after a short pause, "and his doubts lasted for over a year."

[sith_happened]

Anakin's expression softened. "I didn't know that."

[saddeserthermit]

"Qui-Gon had lost his previous Padawan to the dark side, and I was not a terribly easy child," Obi-Wan said, with a wry twitch of his lips. "I wrecked my chances the first time around because I let another student goad me into a fight."

[sith_happened]

"I have no idea what that feels like," Anakin replied just as wryly.

[saddeserthermit]

"I imagined you wouldn't," Obi-Wan said, keeping that tone going. "I was impetuous and reckless and did some profoundly stupid things when I had finally convinced him to take me on that nearly ruined it."

[sith_happened]

"Don't know what's that like, either," Anakin said, voice going a little softer. "Guess you were more patient than I thought at the time."

[saddeserthermit]

"Qui-Gon kept me at arm's length for a long time," Obi-Wan said quietly. "I wanted to avoid that. I'm not certain if I succeeded."

He thought back to Anakin's earlier reaction. "I hope you were aware that you always came first, at least."

Not over the mission, or the lives of innocents, but certainly over-- other individuals.

[sith_happened]

Wow, that floor was fascinating. "I knew, deep down," he finally murmured. "But I was so angry, and scared, and lost...and felt like I was the only Jedi who'd ever felt that way."

[saddeserthermit]

"You should not have had to go through that alone," Obi-Wan said, squashing a wave of guilt before Anakin could sense it.

Hopefully before, at any rate.