saddeserthermit (
saddeserthermit) wrote2016-10-20 12:00 pm
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The Hermit Shack in the Woods, Thursday Evening
Truth be told, Obi-Wan had seriously considered not returning to Fandom island; the risk to Luke was too great if Vader or another Imperial officer came back and chose to follow him to Tatooine this time. But there were certain obligations he felt too guilty about bound to that he could not simply shirk. Speaking to Kanan was one of these. (Picking up the eopies was another.)
He was certain Anakin could handle Ethics fine without him.
He arrived back on the island early into the evening. He found Rooh nibbling at the grass just outside his hut, and for a moment, he had to smile. Then he sighed, and rubbed his brow, and went to speak to the animals. At least they were comforting.
[[ expecting one, but open for SP! ]]
He was certain Anakin could handle Ethics fine without him.
He arrived back on the island early into the evening. He found Rooh nibbling at the grass just outside his hut, and for a moment, he had to smile. Then he sighed, and rubbed his brow, and went to speak to the animals. At least they were comforting.
[[ expecting one, but open for SP! ]]
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"I don't understand, Master."
That was all he had. Even Caleb Dume didn't have the heart to dredge up a thousand follow-up questions to an answer like that.
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He lowered his cup. "I saw him on death's door."
But he hadn't had the heart to kill him. His final failing.
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"I'm sorry," he said, after that sip. Whatever he thought about Skywalker was irrelevant. Obi-Wan had been his Master, after all. "I should have thought..."
He sighed.
"Should we talk about something else?"
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He set his cup of tea aside.
"And he has trouble realizing that his own feelings don't supercede those of others. I do not wish to make the same mistake."
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So long as they were talking one-on-one, Caleb could live with that.
"You've already been a help," he noted, frowning a little. "You've given me some perspective. More than just reassuring me that wanting distance from Vader isn't me overreacting, I mean. And my feelings shouldn't supersede yours, either. If you need to step away from a topic that cuts too close, why is that any less important?"
He wanted to think that they were both capable of having a conversation that didn't leave either of them sitting in a fog of guilt, thoughts in a different galaxy entirely, none of them good.
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... or more truthfully, because Obi-Wan was terrible at accepting that sometimes he deserved help.
"Because I am a Jedi Master," he said, "And giving such emotions free reign to dictate what I do and say is a path to the Dark Side."
Cop-out answer. For sure.
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"Well, I'm no Master," he said, "but I'm still pretty sure there's a difference between letting your emotions rule you, and being aware of them and making decisions that acknowledge that you're also a person in there somewhere, and that people have needs."
Granted, Kanan tended to count things like alcohol and sex among his own needs these days, but he had a good case for arguing that it was all a part his cover. So long as nobody paid close attention, anyway.
In his defense, he had been fifteen when Order 66 happened, and sixteen when he'd been left to his own devices entirely.
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... and perhaps now Kanan would get some idea of why Anakin often thought of Obi-Wan as infuriating.
He reached to pick up his tea again. "I would invite you to my version of our world whenever you need an escape," he said, "But I doubt it will be much better."
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Not so long, he figured. Kanan had done more aging than... basically anybody, from the look of it. And here he was, talking about traumas that he'd had more time to heal from than anyone else.
Except possibly Skywalker. He had no karking clue what to make of Skywalker, though.
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"A few years now," Obi-Wan said lightly. "Three or so. It has been more for you, hasn't it?"
He was exceedingly grateful they were off the subject of him now.
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"Eight," he said, fairly lightly himself. Years were easy. It was the mess that went alongside them that was hard. "It's been eight years of... drifting, mostly."
Drifting. Shutting out the Force. Pretending to be okay or drinking until people realized that he wasn't in about equal measures.
"So I can't imagine your timeline has many surprises that mine hasn't already thrown at me."
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He was debating whether or not to tell Kanan about Luke.
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He'd been trying hard to just not think about the implications from there.
"Why not try me?"
See? Way easier than talking about trauma.
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Almost. He still had trouble respecting petulant man-children who held positions of power over him.
"So what he said was true... but misleading," he deduced, frowning a bit. Not surprised, mostly since Anakin had spilled those beans already, but actually a bit annoyed. "Great."
'True but misleading' was basically going to be the best you were going to get from this lot on certain topics, Kanan. Better get used to it.
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"Yes," Obi-Wan said. He heaved a sigh. "He's rather inclined that way."
Pitch-black pot, meet you-raised-kettle.
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Petty? Cruel? The word here was probably cruel.
"Ugh."
That was easier than getting back on the emotions train.
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Obi-Wan took a sip of his tea. It was beginning to cool.
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He took another mouthful of tea. He'd been mostly just staring into it since this discussion had started.
"Never get to know your heroes, I guess."
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"Anakin was an amazing Jedi," he said, "with deep, glaring flaws." He dropped his hand. "But now the question is, what do we do about Mara Jade?"
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He shook his head in reply to Obi-Wan's question.
"I don't know," he admitted. "I figured something was up with her since my very first class, right about the time I had to give her a verbal slap on the wrist for the way she was talking about non-humans. I'm... I mean, I should be more surprised that it's this serious, but apparently the island is getting to my head or something."
He sighed and sipped at his tea again.
"She's afraid of Vader. Of course she is. It would be insane not to be. My concern is that even if she wasn't reporting every instance of Jedi activity to the Emperor before, the possibility that Vader might return could prompt her to start. And at the same time, I can't help but wonder what was keeping her from selling us out in the first place."
Because he was under no illusions about how long they would survive if Palpatine had at all been aware of their presence before.
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Obi-Wan set his tea aside for the last time. It was simply cold water with a faint flavor at this point.
"Of course, it has been two weeks, and I've yet to see any new Stormtroopers on the island."
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He frowned and shook his head.
"And from there, we don't even know what she knows for certain, do we?"
The Caleb in him had questions, apparently.
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Which it wasn't, Anakin.
By the way.
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He sounded sort of dubious about the idea, if only because he still wasn't sure if she'd pieced together that he'd been nervous around Vader for reasons beyond just that Vader was karking intimidating. If she hadn't, he wasn't too keen on the prospect of outing himself, either. But the not knowing was terrifying, too.
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